Trashy Fanfictions Number 3
by Cyan Quartz
Summary: Math Sux. When accountants go too far, who will save us?


Math Sux.

All of humanity has thought that at one point. Many have thought it best that Math be eradicated, but the Accounting Union would be ruined if they ran out of workers, so they hired hitmen to watch the president at all times, twisting his hand, spreading hateful rumors about his giant ass ears.

These hitmen, they are like secret police, watching humanity closer than Melvin ever did when he used to watch me wash my ass. Oh, Melvin. He's a watcher, not a toucher. My advances freaked him out so much, that he chose to stalk the elderly at the retirement home instead. He said "Yeah dey got dose saggy asses, but they'd rather cuss me out than try 'n fuck me".

I wonder what advice a Native American would give me. Probably some shit like "The white gay man, they are at times finnicky, it is only with patience and a few a-hole tickles that you will coerce them to give you a dope-ass BJ, man".

That's not what Arshdeep says. Guy's a nut. One second he's tellin' ya he's Indian, the next he's bitching about some mythological eastern country that his people originate from, and because his ancestors or whatever used to live there, he's 'not really Native American'. Fuckin' racist.

Anyways, some people don't like the way these Accountant Nazi's are running this countrt, forcing children to take math classes, snatching Jewish & Asian kids in the night for their superior math skills.

Many have tried and failed to take them down. There's a folktale about one of them. Tim Sausage. The guy was Irish, & he had a heart of gold, used to dress as a leprechaun for stripper parties, did childrens birthdays on the side. Well, he didn't like the Accountant Nazi's very much, because he worked a uni-sex strip club. With the Nazi's making people smarter, there were less dropouts available to degrade themselves and shame their oversensitive study buddies. Without the main attractions, Tim's favorite Booty Joint was closing, and no other club stage could support his mega ton ass, so if the club went under, he'd have to do birthdays as a full time job, and that business was already failing after one of his regulars hired him for his sons birthday, one thing led to another, and now the dad's kicked out and his gals making a big fuss about it, thrash talking Tim's business practices.

So, armed with world famous Irish Man's tears, completely natural alcoholic tears, Tim Sausage went about giving all the Nazi's hangovers.

There's no ending to that story. The Accountant Nazi's never did anything about him, because they figured free alcohol would save them a fortune.

BUT ALAS! THE DAY IS SAVED! A random cosplayer got Rabies! Sitting crazy in his bedroom, fearing the Great Lakes, he misconstrued a Nazi commercial about saving water as a message about drowning the world in water!

So, this crazy costumer donned his Captain Falcon costume and went off! First, he started advertising accounting jobs, luring them to his house so he could beat them to death! Then, he started bombing math classes, noblely sacrificing the children of Accounting Nazi America's tax payers to kill off the puppeteers of society! Then came the accounting firm shootings, The corporation blow-ups, and the unrelated Kardashian massacre! The Russians were so impressed by the cosplayer's talent for killing off the evil individuals of America that they started funding him. That's when things REALLY took off! The Math Couple Shuttle, wherein the Costumer kidnapped a famous Mathematician couple and shot them into space. Ooh! And the total annihilation of Albania, where after reading a blog post someone wrote about how smart some people were on their Albanian vacation, and that Albania was putting more funds into their school system, Captain Falcon decided to FALCON NUUUKE them! Oh, I could go on all day about his exploits! The news won't stop talking about him! They call him 'The Costumed Terrorist' the 'Accounting Nightmare' 'Child Slayer' 'The Anti-Christ' All sorts of names that, although cool, sound kind of mean. I think they think he's the Blood Falcon, because his body suit is stained red from all those math geeks blood, and like, they all decided to play along with the cosplay, even though he's ACTUALLY Captain Falcon.

Boy, the world needs more heroes like Captain Falcon.

That has been 'Trashy Fanfictions Number Three', with your host, Cyan Quartz.


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